For the Thrill of the Blunt Read online

  “It’s fine, man! But why is it talking to me?”

  “Honey, that’s just Frank and Tony. They’re a couple of Cloggers, takin’ care of business down in the pipes.”

  “Cloggers? Some kind of alien in the sewage pipes?”

  “That’s right.”

  “Which means that their meal is… oh shit.”

  “Right again, baby!”

  “Wait, why does the Starseed even need pipes? Wouldn’t it be way easier if—”

  “Listen, we’re gonna go now, before the ape says something really offensive,” Frank said. “Mother, as usual, it’s a pleasure. Captain, it was nice gettin’ to make your acquaintance. Lay off the Denubian stuff—it just wrecks your insides. And try to eat a little more fiber, okay?”

  “Uh, sure, man.”

  “C’mon Tony, let’s grab another bite to eat and catch up. I know this place nearby where…” Frank’s voice disappeared as both toilets melted into the floor.

  Charlie stood directly under the water. He rubbed his temples and took some deep breaths.

  Great. Just great, man. I can’t wait to strike up a conversation every time I gotta drop a log. At least now I can die alone in the shower.

  “Breakfast will be waiting for you as soon as you’re done in there,” Mother said, her voice just outside the curved glass of the shower tube. “I got eggs, blueberry pancakes with extra syrup, and as much Earth fruit as you can eat.”

  Charlie sighed. So much for dying alone in the shower. Nadia’s words lingered in his head. Never alone.

  “You got any ibuprofen? I could use a bottle or two.”

  “Poor Captain, I can tell you had a rough night. I can make you any type of pain reliever you want, you just need to choose something that worked well for you on Earth. Just pick one from your computer, and I’ll whip up an extra strength dose.”

  “Computer? What computer?”

  “The one sitting next to your breakfast, darlin’.”

  Charlie looked for a handle, but couldn’t even find a shower door. The glass tube had no seams or buttons or knobs.

  “Uh, Mother?” Charlie suddenly felt like he was trapped in a giant test tube. He pressed a palm against the glass, and when that had no effect, he slammed his fists against it.

  The water pressure jumped. Suddenly, hot water was falling faster, closer. He looked up. There was no shower head. The water seemed to spray right out of the glass ceiling. He noticed why the pressure had increased: the glass ceiling was falling fast. He flinched and dropped into a squat.

  “Dammit! Mother! I’m gonna be squished! Let me out, man!” The ceiling pressed against his soggy afro. He tucked his head between his knees and shielded it with his arms. “Fuck!”

  The pressure spilled over onto his neck, shoulders, legs. Instead of crushing him, the glass ceiling became fluid, snuggly puckering around his body on its way to the floor. The tiles beneath him rippled and became warm. Charlie lifted his head and cracked open his eyes. He was rolled into a ball in the middle of his captain’s quarters, naked and completely dry. The shower, the tile, and all traces of water were gone.

  “There’s a fresh set of clothes on the bed, honey. And your breakfast is on the coffee table.”

  A whiff of melted butter pulled him by the nose. He plopped onto his orange couch and gazed lovingly at the breakfast stacked up high on the large plate. Syrup geysered from the center of a pancake tower, gushed down the sides, and mingled with the sizzling eggs. Next to the plate sat a steaming mug of coffee and a fork. He reached for them, but another bolt of pain shot through his skull and stopped him.

  “About those pain relievers…” His attention turned to the off-white CRT computer monitor stationed like a boulder beside the plate. Next to its smudgy keyboard a small bulge appeared and morphed into a ergonomically-deficent 1990’s computer mouse.

  “Holy shit. That looks exactly like the first computer I owned.”

  “Oh, good, baby! I modeled it from the residual synapse architecture of your brain—your memory. I thought it might be easiest for you to use as you begin interfacin’ with the Starseed.”

  The monitor emitted an electronic chirp and the dark screen lit up. A low-res, seed-shaped icon appeared in the center of a green background and began rotating. Below it flickered the word “Loading…”.

  “Easiest? These things were so frustrating and slow that half the time I wanted to throw mine out the window.”

  The letters “SOS” appeared above the icon. The metallic churning sound of an old hard drive booting up felt like power drills being shoved into Charlie’s ears.

  “Holy shit!” He picked up the fork, stabbed a piece of egg, and shoved it into his mouth. “It’s still loading…”

  “Is that abnormal, honey? Captain Major Tom used a similar model every day and I never heard any complaints from him.”

  What had Nadia said about getting hold of Captain Major Tom’s browsing history?

  “A computer… You can make a computer. Can you make any kind of computer? And what’s ‘SOS’ mean?”

  “The Starseed can generate over 10 million types of computer hardware interfaces,” Mother answered. “What I do is create material objects partially based on an organism’s memory, and partially based on schematics and other diagrams I find on the Outernet. But software is a different matter altogether. Especially operating system software. That’s too complex, too unreliable, and too risky. So instead, the Starseed created its own universal operating system that runs perfectly on any device.”

  “Starseed Operating System. Far out, man!” He jammed a forkful of pancake into his mouth and stared wide-eyed into the flickering screen. He licked syrup off his knuckle. “I can’t believe it’s still loading. Mother, you’ve captured the frustration of my childhood perfectly.”

  “Frustration? I don’t understand, baby. If you’d like something faster…”

  Charlie swallowed. “Yes! Please.”

  “Alright darlin’. Tell me what you think of this.”

  The CRT monitor, the keyboard, and the mouse melted and merged into a thin, flat rectangle. The outline of a seed appeared on top of the rectangle, in the exact spot where Charlie had expected the outline of an apple to be.

  “A laptop?! Wow, it’s so thin! Is that some kind of Macbook?” He snatched it off the table, set it on his naked lap, and opened it up. “No way I’d ever be able to afford one of these back on Earth.”

  “Wouldn’t you prefer one you have experience with?”

  “No!” Charlie cradled the computer. “This one is perfect! I’m sure I’ll get used to it.”

  Another spinning seed icon appeared on another mint background, but this time the resolution of the image was much crisper. The light from the LCD screen felt like icepicks digging into Charlie’s eyes. He found the brightness buttons and tapped them until the screen was as dim as it could go.

  Two oversized icons popped onto the screen. One was an icon of a spiral galaxy, the other was an icon of a marijuana seed. Charlie swept a finger across the trackpad. When he hovered the pointer over the galaxy icon, the word “Outernet” appeared above it. When it hovered over the seed icon, the word “Seednet” appeared.

  Charlie took a deep breath. He clicked on the galaxy icon, and something resembling a browser window appeared. At the top was an input field with a blinking cursor, and below it read:

  * * *

  Welcome to the Outernet!

  Please enter a search phrase or galactic address link to begin.

  To refine your search, prefix any search phrase with a planet or system name.

  * * *

  “Whoa.” A bit of chewed egg fell from his lips. “I’m browsing…the galaxy?”

  “That’s right,” Mother said through a giggle. “It’s just like the Internet back on Earth, except this one is a lil bit bigger.”

  “Wait. How many planets? How could I read the alien languages? How fast is the connection? Is there an incognito mode? You know, uh, just
in case—”

  “Just take it easy, baby!” Mother interrupted. “All of that is taken care of by the Starseed Operating System. First things first. Try searching for your favorite pain reliever.”

  He washed down a few blueberries with a swig of coffee, then poked a sticky finger at the keyboard. He typed, “Tylenol capsules extra strength.” The screen replied:

  * * *

  107 results for “Tylenol capsules extra strength”

  Would you like to display them all now?

  * * *

  “Why not add the prefix ‘Earth’ to your search? You don’t want results coming up for the Tylenol star system. Trust me on that one.”

  “Oh. Uh, right.”

  He added the word “Earth” to the front of his search phrase.

  * * *

  113,978 results for “Tylenol capsules extra strength”

  * * *

  Links to the most relevant results appeared below the search summary. Charlie grinned, spitting crumbs onto the laptop. They melted into it and disappeared.

  “These are all websites…from Earth!” The excitement sent pain surging through his skull. He winced, slurped some more coffee, and continued—this time much more quietly, “How far are we from Earth? This can’t be possible...”

  “Thanks to quantum amplification—and the fact that the Reptilians plugged Earth’s internet into the cosmic background radiation—all of Earth’s data is broadcast across hyperspace. Many civilizations piggyback off the same cosmic radiation, baby. How else could anyone expect to communicate across the galaxy?”

  “So, faster than light? But I thought you said the Starseed was the only thing that could move faster than light?”

  “The Starseed is the fastest vessel in the galaxy,” she corrected, “but other things, like information, are capable of traveling faster than light.”

  Charlie tapped on a link for Extra Strength, Fast-acting Tylenol Liquid Caps. “This is what I’d use back on Earth. It’s definitely the best, man. So, do I click ‘Purchase’? Do I need to add a credit card or something?”

  Next to his mug of coffee, a small bulge morphed into a yellow bottle with a white child-proof cap and a colorful label. He picked it up and shook it. Inside, lots of little somethings produced a dense rattle.

  “No way.” He hastily twisted off the cap and tipped the bottle upside down. Dozens of translucent blue capsules, complete with the dosage and drug type printed in tiny black lettering, spread out across the coffee table. He tossed four capsules into his mouth and swallowed them with a mouthful of coffee.

  “How’d you do that? How’d you make such a perfect copy?”

  “Well, once I knew exactly what you wanted, I was able to access the Starseed’s data banks for the precise chemical and packaging specifications. Now you just keep that bottle nearby, and whenever you need some, it’ll have plenty.”

  “But why the Tylenol bottle and label and all that? Couldn’t you have just made the pills? Or better yet, couldn’t you have just spiked my coffee, man?

  “That’s right. I could’ve delivered the pain reliever in a number of ways: topical, aerosol, injection.”

  A forkful of egg stopped halfway into Charlie’s open mouth. It would be the easiest thing in the world for Mother to poison his food, gas him, or inject him with something while he slept. He was absolutely at her mercy. He gobbled the egg and sighed.

  “But you see, baby, fortunately, sentient organisms like yourself are susceptible to one of the most powerful forces in the universe—something that works better than any medicine. Placebo.”

  “Placebo? Like sugar pills? I knew a dealer back in Cali who sold chewable vitamin C pills to teenagers and told them it was LSD. It was hilarious. They’d start acting all tripped out, like they were drunk or something. But it was all bullshit.”

  “That’s the thing, baby, some part of them was trippin’. Placebo has the ability to change an organism’s biology by evoking the power of the mind. Like you, just now. I wanted you to choose the pain reliever that you believed would offer you real relief.”

  “And by choosing what I recognized as the most effective brand of pain reliever...”

  “It had the best chance of working,” she finished the thought.

  “But you’re telling me about the trick now. Doesn’t that mean my mind wouldn’t be affected by the placebo?”

  “Oh no, darlin’!” Mother laughed. “Placebo works even if you know about it. That’s why it’s one of the most powerful forces in the universe. At least in this galaxy.”

  Charlie stared at the blinking cursor on the computer’s screen. His mind raced with excitement over what he’d just witnessed. “Can I make anything else? And how does it work if you’re not here?”

  “One of the perks of being captain is that you can click ‘Print’ on any item you find on the Outernet, and the Starseed will do its best to reproduce it within your vicinity. But no need to worry, baby! I’m always here.”

  A rash of goosebumps appeared on his arms.

  Never alone.

  Charlie looked down at his naked body. “So, no matter what I’m doing, anywhere on the ship, you’re watching me?”

  “I’m your Mother, baby. I’m here whenever you need me.”

  She didn’t elaborate. Waves crashed against the beach outside the open french doors of his quarters. The ghost of Nadia’s allegations tickled his ears. He felt suddenly very uncomfortable.

  “Mother, can I get access to Captain Major Tom’s Outernet history?”

  “Excuse me? His what?”

  “You know, a log of where he browsed, what he searched for, who he sent messages to and received messages from. All of it.”

  Mother gasped. “Oh no, darlin’. No, we don’t do that sort of thing here.”

  Charlie squinted up at the ceiling. “A superorganism-computer-thing like you doesn’t have a record of what the previous captain did on the Outernet?”

  “How Seeders—passengers of the Starseed—use the Outernet is their own business. Not mine, nor anyone else’s. So there’s no point in saving those kinds of records, you see?”

  “But wait, what if a passenger sends out a message to the Reptilians telling them our location? Or gives them other compromising information?”

  “First of all, consider this: You’re the captain, right? Do you know where we are right now?” Mother laughed. “Not many passengers know where we are at any given time. We’re always on the move, baby. Even if they happened to find out where we are, those lizard brains will never be fast enough to catch us.”

  “Didn’t they just catch us? Two days ago, in Earth’s orbit? The red laser net?”

  “And secondly,” she continued, as if not hearing him, “soon after the Outernet was created—a long, long time ago—the Starseed had a misinformation system installed. By now, the Outernet is full of false information about this ship.”

  Charlie chewed a bite slowly and rubbed his temples. Damn, she was slippery. And, just like Nadia had predicted, she wasn’t going to give him the previous captain’s Outernet history.

  Charlie remembered the advice his dad would offer whenever he found himself lost or confused:

  Get back to first principles, Charlie.

  He set his fork down and poked some carefully selected words into the laptop’s search field. After scrolling for a moment, he clicked ‘Print’. A huge smile appeared on his syrupy lips as he leaned back on the couch cushions with his plate on his stomach.

  A bulge sprang up from the coffee table and stretched into a glossy cylinder. The base of the cylinder swelled into a spherical bubble, and a stubby mushroom-like stem sprang up from its side. After a few final shimmers, the thing settled into the shape of a hollow, purple glass sculpture.

  “Big Willie! I can’t believe it! I haven’t seen this motherfucker since…” His gaze fell to the floor. “Well, since I dropped him from my dorm window.”

  “You had a bong named ‘Big Willie’ back on Earth?” M
other asked.

  “Hell yeah, I did! And it wasn’t just a bong. It was a pyrex, double-cast, three-footer with an ice catch. It saw me through many hangovers in college.”

  Charlie felt blood rush to his crotch, and the space between his legs felt suddenly crowded. Looking down, he noticed his penis was at half mast and growing fast. His cheeks went pink. He shifted his plate both to hide his erection and make room for it.

  “Uh, Mother,” he stuttered, “y-you should, uh, go now.”

  “Captain, darlin’, we have so many things to chat about, like—”

  She stopped abruptly. Charlie felt his boner involuntarily lengthening and hardening under the warm plate.

  “Please, can’t I get a little privacy around here!” Charlie shouted desperately. The thought of an invisible old woman chatting him up while he wrestled with Lil Charlie filled him with visceral frustration.

  “Sure thing, Captain,” Mother said, “Before I go, is there anything I can—”

  “NO!” he raged. “Go, now!”

  “Well, alright, darlin’. I’ll meet up with you when you’re—”

  “MOTHER! GO! NOW!”

  She didn’t respond. Charlie wasn’t sure whether she was still there or not. Then again, like she’d said: anywhere aboard the Starseed, at all times, she was there.

  The one exception was Lavaka. Nadia claimed it was outside of Mother’s reach. Charlie wondered if Nadia had considered that Mother was just pretending to be absent. If Mother was capable of lying, wasn’t it obvious that she was silently observing everything that went on there?

  His plate tipped. His erection was on fire. The salty breeze blowing in from the open french doors caressed his naked body and fanned the flames. He decided he wasn’t comfortable silencing his morning wood as he normally would have done—not with the knowledge of Mother passively lurking in every surface of the ship. Intense feelings of arousal, helplessness, and exposure crammed themselves into the space between his throbbing temples.